I’ve been sitting here staring at the empty screen for an hour. I want to write. No, I want to force myself to write. Just like getting up in the morning for work, or going to the gym in the evening, I know I will feel better after the deed is done. Writing is about discipline. I must do it diligently. I must treat it like a job or perhaps like a baby. Nourish it. Once I start, my mind takes over and the words pour out with little effort. When I’m done, I will have released a part of me onto these pages that needed to go. Off with your head! I will have worked it out, one on one, inside, outside and all around my head. And, when I read it back, I can sigh with relief, pride even, knowing that I’m getting better. Better at writing. Better at editing. Simply better.
I have often talked about the healing nature of words. I find great solace in finding the right words to convey a point. I often write and rewrite a sentence several times choosing many words until it is just right. I’m never finished. It is absolutely a labor of love for me. That’s why I enjoy it so much and look forward to it every day. It’s my daily meditation. Earlier today, the word thirst leaped into my consciousness. The sentences started forming in my head before I could grab a notebook. I have been thirsty for as long as I can remember. My dad once said to me, “I don’t know why, but I think you are constantly searching.” He couldn’t understand why I was so unsettled about life in general. Why I couldn’t just accept what was given to me. In his eyes, I’ve always had it all. But, I’ve never even been close to having it all. I’ve wanted more from every aspect of my life. I’ve outgrown everything, everyone sooner or later. Sadly, this is my Achilles heel!
I want to readily admit that some thirsts can never be satisfied. Some holes can never be filled. We have to own them and make homes for them. I can live with my limitations and I’m okay with letting go of the things which don’t serve me or my agenda in the long run. Intelligence is knowing the difference between what you can live with and without. But, maturity comes from knowing when to live and let live. It may seem like I’ve been moving at glacial speeds lately, but the truth is, I’ve just ended a radical war within. I’ve been fighting with a mighty dark force to reclaim the territories which were rightfully mine. He was conniving, powerful too but, I’m a fucking warrior and in the end I won! I’ve been busy drawing border lines in blood and building fortresses with my bare hands to safe guard my state and I just can’t wait to be queen! (Yes, stolen from The Lion King!)
The war is over, but now comes the hard work of building infrastructure. This is the real work of my life, dear readers. Pure sadhana! And, you get to watch me unfold each week. Mostly, I’m energized and excited but some days, like today, I have to force myself to feel… human. I’m very thirsty today and everywhere, everyone is offering me water. Delicious, life-giving water. I’m grateful for their kindness and consideration. But, they underestimate my thirst. It is immense. It is all consuming and it can only be quenched by the nectar of the Gods.
“If you don’t die of thirst, there are blessings in the desert. You can be pulled into limitlessness, which we all yearn for, or you can do the beauty of minutiae, the scrimshaw of tiny and precise. The sky is your ocean, and the crystal silence will uplift you like great gospel music, or Neil Young.” -Anne Lamott