The month of love has begun with a boom and it’s time for some personal reflection.
This past year has been quite an amazing journey as I’ve bulldozed my way through the ruins of my heart. I wanted to get to the bottom of whatever it was that preyed on this wretched need. I wanted to understand why it controlled me so and why it drove me to the brink at times. During my lonliest hours, people would tell me that I’d only get stronger from the experience and I remember thinking that these people, with their families, husbands, wives and lovers had no business telling me how to feel. They had no right to cajole my throbbing heart when they could never grasp its void.
It still feels quite raw to remember the pain. It wasn’t easy rummaging through those ancient remains but I had no choice. The only way out for me was through the rabbit hole.
So, when all was said and done and it was just me and my thoughts alone night after night, week after week, month after month, I found myself intrigued by the person who bore them. I catalogued her moods and recorded her thoughts and mined the data for clues every day. Who are you? I asked her. You know, she whispered back, sly like a seductress. Unapologetic. Convince me, I begged her every single night. But, all she ever said was… Shhhhh, you already know.
And slowly, I started to know her intimately. Understand her deeply. Love her unconditionally!
The conviction of her moral stance, her passion, loyalty and compassion towards all those she loved moved me to my core. At last, I was allowed to see her need to love as a vehicle not a weapon. Her interests were varied and creativity flowed from her veins freely. I learned to appreciate her free spirit and her brutal mind. This was a person who deserved my attention and I needed to let her sing. So, I did. For the first time in my life I listened, really heard the lyrics of her love song. Her voice was honey and it soothed my burning throat. Her words were powerful and they washed over me like a wave. Her thoughts were pure and they calmed my troubled mind. Her heart was a melting cocoon, airy and dense at the same time, expanding everywhere. It cradled me and let me rest in its blur. Yes, I’m so in love with her that I’ll never let her out of my sight again.
A few months ago, I wrote about my decision to stay single for a year. I’m still happily on that path and more than ever now, I’m committed to seeing it through. I deserve this respite. April will be a full year! That’s right around the corner, yet I’m in no rush, whatsoever. Life is exactly as it should be right now. Love has already found me lying awake during the prime of my life. It feels nostalgic, like I’ve been in this house before. Still, I can’t wait to see what surprises are in store for me behind each door.