Worrying is just what Mamas do

image I’ve been waiting to blog about this exciting chapter for awhile and now that the secret is out, I can freely share the happenings of the last few months. I’m growing a human. The words feel surreal but one look at my growing belly and there is no mistaking it for bloat.
From the beginning, this pregnancy has felt… safe. I’ve had little to no doubts about its viability, even though the odds were stacked against me. I haven’t shared this with anyone, but 5 days before my missed period I took a pregnancy test which came back with a faint positive. I knew it then. I spent the next 5 days in NC helping set up our parent’s new home, moving boxes, lifting heavy furniture etc. I was bone tired the entire trip and took so many naps that my sister kept teasing me about being pregnant. Five days can seem like an eternity when you want to know if your life is about to change. But those five days also taught me to sit with my anxiety and not let it consume me. As soon as I came home, I took another pregnancy test which reaffirmed my conviction. I put the pee stick in a cardboard jewelry box and gave it to my fiancĂ© as if I’d bought him a present. When he opened it, all he said was, wow! There was no screaming, jumping for joy or crying. We were at peace. We were one step closer to realizing our dream of having a family.
As excited as we were, we were also scared and worried, but mostly cautious. If you’ve been following me, then you know that my last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. So, we decided to wait until I was at least 6 weeks before seeing a doctor or sharing the news. I only told a close friend for moral support. At my 6 week appointment, we sat in the waiting room, anxious… I just wanted to hear a heartbeat, I kept repeating in my head. I just want a happy, healthy baby. Whatever will be… will be. And, so it has gone on for 13 weeks! In a blink of an eye. The first trimester has been a dream. No morning sickness, no meltdowns, no big surprises…
Each day a milestone…
Every doctor’s visit a triumph…
Every worry a distant memory…
We are having a healthy little boy and he will be named Lelan, which loosely translates to “God’s mysterious ways.” What a blessing! I don’t want to take a single day for granted with him.
We are in no way out of the woods in this pregnancy. Our little boy is barely the size of a plum and we know there are many long weeks ahead of us. And, I have a sneaky suspicion that this feeling that follows me… this worrying or whatever you want to call it, will continue for as long as I’m a mother. But, I see now that this too is part of the journey… the acceptance of what I cannot change, the transcending love for my baby boy and the overwhelming urge to protect him, but most importantly the unwavering faith that let’s me sleep at night knowing that everything’s gonna be okay. Ah, ain’t love grand?!

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