I wasn’t always like this, I swear, but lately I’ve been talking about poo a lot. Like A LOT! To anyone, not limited to my partner or other mothers but including strangers, who dare asks about the baby. I sometimes talk about pee too but the conversation inevitably ends up in poo. If you’re one of those easily grossed out types, stop reading here. I’m giving you fair warning!
Maybe it’s because
part of most of my job right now involves monitoring and recording the excrement of another human being or maybe I need more social interaction or a combination of both?! I don’t know.
A typical conversation might go like this..
Them: How’s the baby?
Me: Oh, he’s great! He only cries if he’s hungry, sleepy or if needs a diaper change. He’s an excellent pooper!
Them: Is he sleeping through the night?
Me: Almost. He only wakes up if he’s poo’d or if he’s hungry. Sometimes it’s both. It takes real talent to poo while sucking down a bottle, don’t you think?!
Them: How was your day?
Me: Lelan had an exPOOsion today! It was all over his front and back. It came out of his diaper and I think his outfit is ruined
Them: ???!!! (if it’s a stranger)
Them: That’s awesome! Did you try soaking the outfit (if it’s my partner AFTER we high five)
Them: Did it get on you? Don’t waste your time trying to salvage the outfit (If it’s another mother)
Me: Narrowly dodged a bullet today!
Them: Poo or Pee (if it’s my partner)
Them: Baby okay? (if it’s another mother)
Them: Are you okay? (if anyone else)
Me: Lelan almost pee’d in my mouth today!
Them: Pee is sterile! (if it’s my partner)
Them: Well, that’s nothing. My baby almost poo’d in my mouth! (if another mother
they always try to one up you!)
Them: OMG! That’s GROSS! (if anyone else)
Here are some legit things I’ve googled:
Is poo supposed to be seedy if formula fed?
What color/ consistency poo is healthy for a 6 week old?
How many times should my baby poo/pee a day?
How to get poo stain off clothes?
Should I wake a sleeping baby if he’s pooed?
Why does baby poo smell like buttery popcorn?
If you’re wondering about the last question, yes it absolutely does and I will forever associate poo with popcorn. Want to go to the movies, anyone?!
Over the weekend, I had to pullover on the side of a major highway to change my son’s poopy diaper and it was the most daring thing I’ve done in a very long time! Afterwards, my partner and I exchanged glances that I suspect only gladiators who survive the pit give each other. It was intense!
And yesterday, while squeezing mustard on to my burger, I actually marveled at how similar it looked to my baby’s poo. Then I proceeded to eat it without any reservation.
As I started saying, I wasn’t always like this… at least I’m pretty sure I had other non-poo things to talk about… maybe my friends can vouch for it, but I just don’t remember anymore! All I know is that in three short weeks I’ll be returning to work and I pray that I’m able to carry on a normal conversation with an adult that doesn’t involve the words BABY, POO or PEE. At least, I won’t have to worry about what to say in an awkward situation or at the beginning of a client meeting to break the ice. Having a baby instantly gives you an arsenal of inappropriate, yet hilarious things to talk about and if you can’t find another parent to laugh with then what’s the point in any of this?